Best Malt Liquors: A Gentleman’s Guide to the Finer Points of 40s, Tall Boys, and More

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Any refined gentlemen can tell you a thing or two about notable malt liquors off the pewter and opal cuff-linked cuff – one doesn’t navigate the halls of our first-rate preparatory academies nor the hallowed halls of higher learning without learning this tidbit about the 98’ Olde English stock or that fact about the fine malts and two-row hops hand selected for that distinctive King Cobra off-dry sweetness and the lingering grace notes of grain. But finding a true aficionado of this finest of libations can be more difficult: with such a wide, exciting variety of malt liquors to choose from, too many devotees pick their brand (say, a fine Steel Reserve) and never branch out to discover all the varietals that await them (for example, a Mickeys, also available in the exciting “hand grenade” bottle!).

Malt liquors are most appropriately served in a tall, frosted flute, but may also be enjoyed directly from the 40 ounce bottle, granted that the proper paper bag is used to prevent sunlight from causing “off” flavors as it converts esters to skunkish notes. An exception is of course to be made for a round of Edward Fortyhands, in which the chortling pranksters are encouraged to quaff their 40-ounced libations with such speed that the damaging UV rays of the sun will not adversely affect their tasty brews (also, man, if you have to piss during a round of Fortyhands, you better bet you remembered to wear mesh shorts or you better have some really good friends around).

We present for you today some information on the finest malt liquors available on today’s market. Prost, friends! Or Slam That Damn Thing, whatever works for you.

5 Mickey's

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Mickey's! Give me a Mickey's! It’s the one in the green bottle, which is better than clear but not as good as brown for protecting the fine flavor profile of this entry into the malt liquor arena. A six pack of the hand grenades is fine if they’re out of forties. What? 5.6% ABV is all? Man, ok fine! Just get me two, I have to go find a bathroom or a tree or something.

4 Olde English

Olde English comes in fourth, kids. You know it’s good because of the extra “e” on Olde. It’s like a pretty strong malt liquor beer is what it is. Real tasty. It’s brewed by Miller, so when someone asks what time it is, you can say “Olde English!” Also they have a high gravity one that’s like more than 8% and stuff. That’s so kind of them.

3 King Cobra

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Ah, King Cobra! You clever, sassy bitch! Keep in minf thiss is now the… the third malt liquor we’re revving… rev… reviewing today, ok? Man, this beer is awesome. It’s like golden yellow gold beer, man! Hey, hey but sometimes it’s like only in 32 ounce bottles, so you have to watch out for that. Get me a 40. I mean, get a 40. It’s kind of sweet and maybe there’s some hops in it? Is there even? I mean, are there?

2 Steel Reserve 211

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Steel Reserve 211 is most commonly thought of as a canned beverage, but those in the know will tell you with their knowing smile that it can also be had in a generous 40 ounce bottle! At a forget-me-woes 8-plus percent alcohol by volume, this is truly a fine beverage selection for those with woes. Its pleasant sweetness tastes, umm, a lot like Colt 40, sort of.

1 Colt 45

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The standard-bearer of malt liquors for a reason! This lovely brew has sweet grain notes (or is that rice and cereal?) no unlike a fine German bock or Marzen beer, the kind one would enjoy during Oktoberfest. Or Novemberfest. Or Aprilfest. The light body of a Colt 45 pairs perfectly with a variety of dishes, and the sweetness also makes it an appropriate after dinner digestif beverage.
Ok, so like, now you know everything about malt liquor, right? It’s like beer but not just the four main ingredients in beer, there’s more stuff and the ABV is higher and… I have to lie down now.