Mickey's! Give me a Mickey's! It’s the one in the green bottle, which is better than clear but not as good as brown for protecting the fine flavor profile of this entry into the malt liquor arena. A six pack of the hand grenades is fine if they’re out of forties. What? 5.6% ABV is all? Man, ok fine! Just get me two, I have to go find a bathroom or a tree or something.
4 Olde English
Olde English comes in fourth, kids. You know it’s good because of the extra “e” on Olde. It’s like a pretty strong malt liquor beer is what it is. Real tasty. It’s brewed by Miller, so when someone asks what time it is, you can say “Olde English!” Also they have a high gravity one that’s like more than 8% and stuff. That’s so kind of them.
3 King Cobra
Ah, King Cobra! You clever, sassy bitch! Keep in minf thiss is now the… the third malt liquor we’re revving… rev… reviewing today, ok? Man, this beer is awesome. It’s like golden yellow gold beer, man! Hey, hey but sometimes it’s like only in 32 ounce bottles, so you have to watch out for that. Get me a 40. I mean, get a 40. It’s kind of sweet and maybe there’s some hops in it? Is there even? I mean, are there?
2 Steel Reserve 211
Steel Reserve 211 is most commonly thought of as a canned beverage, but those in the know will tell you with their knowing smile that it can also be had in a generous 40 ounce bottle! At a forget-me-woes 8-plus percent alcohol by volume, this is truly a fine beverage selection for those with woes. Its pleasant sweetness tastes, umm, a lot like Colt 40, sort of.
1 Colt 45
The standard-bearer of malt liquors for a reason! This lovely brew has sweet grain notes (or is that rice and cereal?) no unlike a fine German bock or Marzen beer, the kind one would enjoy during Oktoberfest. Or Novemberfest. Or Aprilfest. The light body of a Colt 45 pairs perfectly with a variety of dishes, and the sweetness also makes it an appropriate after dinner digestif beverage.
Ok, so like, now you know everything about malt liquor, right? It’s like beer but not just the four main ingredients in beer, there’s more stuff and the ABV is higher and… I have to lie down now.