Best Malt Liquors: A Gentleman’s Guide to the Finer Points of 40s, Tall Boys, and More
Malt liquors are most appropriately served in a tall, frosted flute, but may also be enjoyed directly from the 40 ounce bottle, granted that the proper paper bag is used to prevent sunlight from causing “off” flavors as it converts esters to skunkish notes. An exception is of course to be made for a round of Edward Fortyhands, in which the chortling pranksters are encouraged to quaff their 40-ounced libations with such speed that the damaging UV rays of the sun will not adversely affect their tasty brews (also, man, if you have to piss during a round of Fortyhands, you better bet you remembered to wear mesh shorts or you better have some really good friends around).
We present for you today some information on the finest malt liquors available on today’s market. Prost, friends! Or Slam That Damn Thing, whatever works for you.
Mickey’s! Give me a Mickey’s! It’s the one in the green bottle, which is better than clear but not as good as brown for protecting the fine flavor profile of this entry into the malt liquor arena. A six pack of the hand grenades is fine if they’re out of forties. What? 5.6% ABV is all? Man, ok fine! Just get me two, I have to go find a bathroom or a tree or something.
4 Olde English
Olde English comes in fourth, kids. You know it’s good because of the extra “e” on Olde. It’s like a pretty strong malt liquor beer is what it is. Real tasty. It’s brewed by Miller, so when someone asks what time it is, you can say “Olde English!” Also they have a high gravity one that’s like more than 8% and stuff. That’s so kind of them.
3 King Cobra
Ah, King Cobra! You clever, sassy bitch! Keep in minf thiss is now the… the third malt liquor we’re revving… rev… reviewing today, ok? Man, this beer is awesome. It’s like golden yellow gold beer, man! Hey, hey but sometimes it’s like only in 32 ounce bottles, so you have to watch out for that. Get me a 40. I mean, get a 40. It’s kind of sweet and maybe there’s some hops in it? Is there even? I mean, are there?
2 Steel Reserve 211
Steel Reserve 211 is most commonly thought of as a canned beverage, but those in the know will tell you with their knowing smile that it can also be had in a generous 40 ounce bottle! At a forget-me-woes 8-plus percent alcohol by volume, this is truly a fine beverage selection for those with woes. Its pleasant sweetness tastes, umm, a lot like Colt 40, sort of.
1 Colt 45
The standard-bearer of malt liquors for a reason! This lovely brew has sweet grain notes (or is that rice and cereal?) no unlike a fine German bock or Marzen beer, the kind one would enjoy during Oktoberfest. Or Novemberfest. Or Aprilfest. The light body of a Colt 45 pairs perfectly with a variety of dishes, and the sweetness also makes it an appropriate after dinner digestif beverage.